Since 2016 started,
I’ve felt like I’ just been getting 10 or 15 years older, maybe 20 years older…
Because I experienced things, that I haven’t experienced before or since I’ve become clean and sober.
I met a beautiful and unique woman and we fell in love with each other in a short time.
She was the one who really taught me a lesson, that I forever will be grateful that she taught me, even though this lesson kind of killed me for a longer time.
Hey Man !!!! What do you mean ??
In those 17-18 years I was using drugs and alcohol I was so far away from the real life.
Actually I was a stranger in my own life. sAll those things I’ve been taught after I managed to become clean and sober have been beautiful things but also some really hard lessons.
I did not accept my feelings when I was using “No” as soon as I felt something near a feeling I had a reason to run away and instead of facing those feelings I had taught myself that drugs and alcohol was my solution, but the truth is the drugs and alcohol helped me to get even further away from my reality and me as I am today.
This massive abuse, made me a stranger in my own life, and even though I just celebrated 2 years clean and sober the 2nd of May 2016 I still have a lot to learn about me and this life!
But Brother… You are clean what’s not to like????
Yes I am clean and just to write that makes me feel the big smile in my face.
But even though I’m clean and sober and free, I still need to find the full acceptance to forgive myself for all those dark, dark things I did against myself and others….I’m getting closer and closer each and every day and my days are getting much lighter in all kind of ways, but still 17-18 years in a living hell, don’t just disappear over night….
Hey Homie what about the music that one thing that saved your life????
My music’s been going kind of slow. I decided to put away the guitar for an unknown time.
I didn’t feel the joy of playing music or writing songs.
I needed a break for everything, I need to allow myself to feel the sadness inside my heart. I needed to work on finding back the joy and happiness and then I could work on finding the light in the music once again.
The reason is simple …. The music is me and I am the music… “
I realized that this dark period I was in at this moment was a sign that I needed to find a way to be even stronger when the next battles will show up in my future.
I knew this would be one of the biggest changes in my new life at this moment, but still this life i’ve been having the last 2 years I would never let go of it….NO WAY!!!!!
I was looking for the answer everywhere… I was searching for the knowledge of becoming free from this sadness that I felt so deep inside my heart ….
Maybe for the first time I decided to let go of my pride and instead of being controlled by my pride and fear of sounding like a weak man I reach out and asked for help….
But did you learn anything beside being self-pitying???
Yes indeed…. When I look back today, I’m starting to understand what happened and why I lost myself and in the end lost that love.
Okay I am listening…..
I gave up against the power of love… I forgot all about why I was given this beautiful opportunity and experience in the first place.
To be honest I did not know what true love was at this point..
I did not know how to be in a relationship..So instead of building it up to something beautiful, I decided to kill it by doing all kind of things..
I know we were to part in this story, but I’m only looking at my part…… I put away my own needs, only because I wanted everything at the same time. AND YES it’s no surprise the relationship was slowly killed over a shorter time and in the end of the relationship some of my dark spots showed up inside me……So the break up was a reality. This episode almost killed me, because after putting myself second I took the decision and went to the city only with one thing on my mind….. Taking a relapse even though it was a few months before my 2 years sobriety day…..
NO way did you use again???
NO I’ve managed to reach out to someone and show my emotional side… That’s the only reason why I’m still clean and Sober today…
Is this blog just a way to write the last months down and then stop complaining?
Yes and no. Every time i’m talking about it I feel a bigger peace inside and feel how the poison is slowly taking more and more out of my body.
I always knew I was a giver and I would rather take all my families and friends pain away just so they would feel happy and live without any sorrow or pain.
But Those months made me understand one thing…..
I know it’s a beautiful thing to help my friends, families or other people, BUT if I’m forgetting myself and those things I love to do and who give me the power to help others, then it would be a lost game even before it has started….
So what is the lesson in all this?
“I NEED to remember MYSELF, that only when I do it, I can keep doing what I love the most”
And that is???
“Make people smile, make people happy, make people laugh…”
So to all of my friends, family, followers & supporters.
“If you enter my heart, I will do everything to make you smile. Even if that means I have to carry your pain. Enter my heart & I will be there for you as the music has been there for me”
“The Shadow Of – 2016”
“Remember – That The Time is Your Best Friend”
I am an addict there is no doubt, and when I want things to happen faster, it’s a sign from my Higher Power that I’m trying to take back my control.
But by failing and making me rise and shine again I’ve been taking the lessons in the hard way of life.
Every time that I was trying to take back the control, I always end up using drugs and alcohol again.
So one day, a woman told me after I had become clean and sober that I needed to remember that:
“The Time is My Best Friend”
At this moment I did not really understand what she meant, but today I know for sure what she was trying to tell me.
So what did she mean : Things will happen when the time is right.
“I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I can prepare myself to make my path as beautiful as I want it to be. My life can change in a second some dreams will be a reality others will forever be a dream, but if I’m not working my A** out I will NEVER get over the goal line and if I have any fear I will NEVER be able to make it a Reality”
What I need is Hope, Faith and Courage.
Hope to be strong enough to have Faith to believe that my Higher Power has a plan with me and Courage to accept that things will happen when the time is right.
March 8th 2016 The Shadow Of will be a part of AVA LIVESTREAMING 2016.
I will do a Live Interview with the Radio host @Jacqueline Jax from AVA LIVE RADIO.
Sponsored by- American Pride Magazine.
And then after I will Play a live concert in Tapetown Studio. Aarhus, Denmark.
YOU don’t want to miss This !!!!!
“It All begins with The “Why”
I remember how I sometimes looked up to the sky and asked God what do you want to do with me and why am I going through this living hell?
So many times I kind of gave up, and I just wanted to kill myself.
I was blinded by the darkness and my addiction was the only love I felt gave me a break.
Today I know why I needed to go through this living hell.
I needed to get my life-education, so that I could share my message to those who wanted to be inspired get the power to change their life.
“It all starts with WHY” …
Why should I go through this Hell?
Why should I hurt so many people?
Why should I get so insane before I found the light?
Why Should I feel so sad and lonely? Why Why Why???
“Because My God have a plan for me”
I didn’t realize what it was before October 10.22.15 when I got the opportunity to be a Part of the radio show AVA LIVE RADIO w/ the host Jacqueline Jax.
And again the 1.22.16 I knew for sure that all that pain and sorrow I went through when I was using only was to make me humble and feel grace. The 1.22.16 I was giving the opportunity to be a part of “Psych Word Radio w/ the host Rob G”. I’ve got this message from the team of Psych Word Radio and Rob G after we did the live interview… “Dear The Shadow Of” It was a pleasure having you on the show and airing your song. We received great feedback from listeners on your track and interview. Friday nights episode is now available for free streaming on iTunes! With your song and interview included in our show. You are very talented, and we urge you to continue with your career. We hope to hear more from you. Rob G. stated that he was so pleased with how the interview was going that he decided to go a couple of minutes over the 10 minute slot. Your song that we aired will be put into our shows rotation with the guests featured on our previous shows. YES, your song “Dopamine Seeker” will now be in our shows rotation. Here is the live interview with The Shadow Of on Psych Word Radio w/ Rob G. One Love The Shadow Of
“2016 WE Will ROCK Together”
2015 was that year where everything started but also where everything ended. Confused………….then read this blog. For all that time I was living as a lost drug addict and alcoholic, I never ever took any kind of responsibility NOT AT ALL. If and when I Did something wrong (I did that all the time) I always blamed it on someone else.. I was the one who people should feel sorry for. I was the one who needed to do crime so I didn’t feel sick or abstinent. And I could keep writing excuses for my bad behavior… I never once thought of how my Mom,Dad,Sister and the rest of my family felt. I know how I would feel, if someone that I loved, chose drugs/alcohol instead of me… “When I started walking down that road, I somehow knew in my mind, that my life changed for good” When I arrived to my parents house this christmas (2015) I went down in the kitchen in the middle of the night to get some of Mommas good food….(I always Do that and have always Done that….) Before I went up to my room where i’ve been so wasted and lost for so many years, I looked at this BIG Picture Frame from all kinds of good memoryes…. I suddenly realized that there was only 4/5 pictures of me… The newest picture of me was when I was around 15-16 years… I’m sitting there with my old acoustic guitar, where people I met had written a little message… That picture made me feel lost… WHY … Cause it was there it all starteded to be crazy or yes its always been kind of crazy, but I remember that picture because I ended up getting so wasted and high and we stole a little speed boat and went to a Bar to party all night long… But enough about that…. I cried some tears and went up to my room, on my table beside my bed, I saw my old High School Song Book…. I decided to open it up because, it was the beginning of the end…… At this school (Musik & Teater Højskolen) I was so privileged to meet so many amazing and talented people. Musician, actors, sound engeniers yes people that wanted the same thing as me! The only difference was they were willing to do everything…. Me… I was willing to drink and get a party started… I manage to get a lot of fantastic friendships, Especially whit a girl….That girl should be the ONE who was going to be a BIG part of my recovery…… I moved to Copenhagen and after a really long and rough period, with me being totally insane … I received a message: “Either you go with me to a meeting and get your shit done or you are out of my life and you never going to contact me again” We know how the story ended or how it began…. But Now here a few days befor The New year, I realized that so many things changed… So many close friends I kind of lost contact with, but at the same time so many new friends showed up in my life and for that I’m truly gratfull… The 2nd of January 2016, I reach 20 months clean and sober and i’m rocking more then I’ve ever done. My music has been in rotation in Seattle Wave Radio, Radio Halsnæs 105.3 FM, Airplay in EGH RADIO, Live Interview with AVA Live Radio and Airplay. Airplay in kqcx.com and right now My Song “Momma” is added for rotation at banksradioaustralia. NOW I SEE it’s BULL****….
The Law Of Jante taught me was something I believed in for many years, but when I was using i felt NOTHING!!!!!
I was dead inside and outside!!!!!
But today right here right now… I feel love and grace…. Not only because I’ve manage to become clean and sober, but because I finally know what my purpose with my life is…. Today I am The Captain Of My Own Ship, Now It’s My Responsibility To Bring It Safe To Harbor, Only That Way I Can Pay It Forward… My account of selfishness is long gone and I need to put my focus in what I can offer to people instead of thinking of what people can offer me… So what I am trying to say is that: “Its not a matter of what you did in your past.Its a matter of what you are going to do with those experiences that your past taught you”.
The Shadow Of
For 18 years, The Shadow Of was out in a massive drug and alcohol abuse.
He only lived for the next fix…alcohol…drugs…anything.
He believes that it was that fight with the demons, that forced him to confront the darkness and through the music…he found the light.